Is it love or a trauma bond? Understand why your brain craves the ‘gambler’s high’ of toxic relationships and learn how to recalibrate your path to peace.
Assalaamu alaikum, hi again.
You must be wondering why this topic all of a sunday, but, i feel since we started 2026 many people make so many new year resolutions, but don’t stick by them at all. Or they do but, they don’t change their surroundings. It’s heartbreaking to know that the things that hurt us emotionally always seem to get a VIP seat each and every year.
Have you ever found yourself—or someone you care about—stuck in a loop, repeatedly returning to situations or relationships that cause heartache? Well i do and guess what? It’s a frustrating and often a painful pattern to witness, yet it’s incredibly common. It’s rarely about a conscious desire for pain; but rather, powerful psychological forces are often to blame, making it difficult to break free.
Let’s explore what might be happening beneath the surface.
When Pain Feels Like Home
Home is said to be the place that brings about joy, comfort and peace of mind. Our brains are hardwired for certainty. Believe it or not, sometimes a painful, predictable dynamic feels safer than the unknown. This phenomenon, often called “repetition compulsion,” suggests we might unconsciously seek out situations that mirror past experiences, even if those experiences were traumatic. For example;
If she grew up in a household where she had to walk on eggshells or deal with unpredictable emotions, tension feels like home. When things are too calm, she might actually feel anxious, waiting for the “other shoe to drop.” Going back to the toxicity actually lowers her anxiety because it returns her to a state she knows how to handle.
If early life involved chaos or instability, a calm, healthy relationship might feel unfamiliar, unsettling, or even “boring” to a nervous system accustomed to drama. We return to what we know how to survive.
The “One More Time” Trap
Hope is a powerful motivator, but it can also be a significant trap. When we’re in a cycle with a toxic person, we often focus on their potential rather than their consistent patterns.“This time will be different,” we tell ourselves, minimizing past hurts to justify another attempt. And so we give to “Just one more chance.”
This causes the uncomfortable mental stress of holding conflicting beliefs, e.g., “I deserve better” vs. “I’m going back to them”. Our brain often tries to resolve this by rationalizing the decision, further embedding us in the cycle.
The Gambler’s High
Imagine being in monte casino by the slot machine: you lose, lose, lose, then suddenly, a small win! This unpredictable reward system is incredibly addictive. Toxic relationships often operate similarly. Periods of intense pain or neglect are occasionally punctuated by moments of extreme kindness, passion, or reconciliation. These “highs” feel incredibly powerful because they are a relief from the “lows.” The unpredictability creates a powerful craving, making us chase that next “hit” of validation or love, hoping to recapture the good times.
Self-Worth and Tolerance for Pain
At the core of many repetitive patterns lies a struggle with self-worth. If someone doesn’t deeply believe they deserve consistent love, respect, or peace, they may unconsciously tolerate an immense amount of pain to avoid being alone or to prove their “value.” The internal narrative might whisper, “I’m lucky to have anyone,” leading them to accept far less than they truly deserve.
When Peace Feels Anxious
For individuals accustomed to high-stress environments, a healthy, stable relationship can actually feel unsettling. The lack of drama, the consistent reassurance, the absence of an emotional rollercoaster—all of these can trigger anxiety. When things are “too calm,” the nervous system, used to being on high alert, might perceive it as a threat or simply “boring,” mistaking peace for a lack of chemistry or excitement. Returning to the familiar chaos can lower this anxiety because it brings them back to an emotional landscape they understand, even if it’s painful.
Breaking the Cycle
Understanding these dynamics is the first step towards change. Breaking free from toxic attachments requires more than just good intentions; it demands new strategies:”Playing the Tape to the End.” When the urge to return arises, vividly recall not just the good moments, but the full cycle of pain that followed last time.
- Create Distance, implement firm “No contact” boundaries physical and digital to create a buffer that allows the logical mind to catch up to the emotional impulses.
- Addressing Core Wounds: Seeking therapy is crucial to uncover and heal the underlying reasons why “pain” and “love” became intertwined in the first place.
- Building New Emotional Stability: Learning to tolerate and appreciate peace, and building self-worth, can gradually recalibrate the nervous system to find comfort in stability rather than chaos.
It’s a challenging journey, but recognizing these patterns is a powerful act of self-awareness. It’s not about being “weak” but about navigating deeply ingrained psychological responses. With understanding, support, and strategic action, it is absolutely possible to move towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Have you ever felt like your heart and your head were at war when it came to leaving a situation? Which of these psychological triggers resonated most with you? Share your thoughts or your own journey in the comments below—you never know who your story might help.